Frequent Flyer Miles
Heartscroll Publications is proud to offer frequent flier miles on Power Airlines. The deal is simple. Rip the cover of any Jewish book. Throw the book in the Shemos box and send thecover to Heartscroll. We will, for a nominal fee replace the older, probably heretical book, with a new improved Heartscroll version, complete with Rabbinic approbation (shipping and handling are not included). The bigger the book, the more miles you get. And for a limited time only, send us the covers of an entire Soncino set of Shas, and we will not only replace it with the Heartscroll Shas ( which will probably take up most of your house), but we will send the officers of your shul to Arizona for a long weekend. Offer valid while supplies last.
Exorcism planned at YIH
A very rare ritual exorcism has been planned at the Young Israel of Hillcrest. Several exorcists were brought in as consultants when the shuls automatic dialer began making calls, on its own, to people in the community at strange hours such as the middle of the night. Suspicions were raised when the shul ‘s computer equipment was checked out and found to be working properly. Suspicions were confirmed when the dialer began ordering food from local takeout restaurants. On man complained when the dialer made improper suggestions to his Fax machine. The contract was awarded to a Jersey City firm- Dybbuks-R-Us, that agreed for the same price to get rid of roaches and mice. The president of the company, Paulie "Pea soup" Shedim, said" We have a lot of experience with this type of problem. We just exorcised a computer driven grinder at a meat packing plant where the in-house cats kept disappearing."
The Decline of Good Taste
The last few years have seen a serious decline in good taste at the Young Israel of Hillcrest. In particular the lack of formality in Shabbos attire has raised some eyebrows. Whereas in the past people from Great Neck and the Five towns have come to Hillcrest to see what they would soon be wearing, they now come to see what homeless people will soon be wearing. It has unfortunately become commonplace to see people come to shul on Shabbos without a tie and jacket. Worse yet are people wearing polo shirts and on occasion there are people dressed in shorts. Wishing to stem this lamentable state of affairs, the board of directors has formulated a dress code for the YI. Please note the following recommendations. Men may cane to shul without ties from Memorial Day to Labor day (depending on global warming and El Nino these dates are subject to change). The excuses- " I used to live in Israel" or "I plan to live in Israel" or I buy Israel Bonds" or "I order Israeli salad at the pizza store" -are no longer acceptable reasons not to wear a jacket on Shabbos. Cohanim may not duchen in gym shorts at any time.
Grateful Dead tee shirts may only be worn to mincha. Black hats (after Labor Day) must be standard issue Borsalino, without any logos such as Nike, or team emblems such as Georgetown Hoyas (what’s a Hoya anyway?). Mink coats, parkas, ski jackets, gloves, scarves and other cold weather apparel should be hung on the coat rack and not worn in shul except in our severely over-air conditioned main sanctuary. Colored shirts are out of the question for yeshiva boys, but are okay for boomers and those that are color blind. Skirts for girls need not be any lower than the floor. Carlebach groupies may wear whatever they want as long as it doesn’t deviate in any way from accepted Carlebach practice. Sunglasses in shul are tacky unless you launder money for local religious organizations. We hope that in the spirit of communal cooperation we can restore to our shul the sartorial dignity it so richly deserves.
Dead Bugs Don ‘t Fly
The entire Hillcrest community wishes to extend its appreciation to Mayor Giuliani for blanketing the entire city in a cloud of Malathion. Al though the normally hardy New York ecosystem will be altered for years to come, this is a small price to pay to stave off a potentially fatal epidemic. So in the next few months, whenever you see birds lay omelets instead of eggs, or see squirrels with two heads, it should remind us of the near disastrous St. Louis encephalitis, or is it West Nile? or whatever it eventually turns out to be.
There was one unfortunate incident. A cricket that had no ID, and was mistaken for a mosquito was shot 21 times by a team of police sharpshooters who were overheard saying, " It’s Giuliani time".
FICTION WRITERS wanted by Heartscroll publications. Writers needed for upcoming project "Our Gedolim". Must able to create material de novo, especially the miraculous and the unbelievable (the more miraculous and unbelievable the better). Area of interest late 19th C. or early 20th C. Examples of what we are looking for:
Rabbi X, who lived in a Lithuanian village with 20 people and 2 goats, built with his own two hands a Yeshiva for 20,000 students, performed miraculous cures on the sick, took the coat off his back in the dead of winter so the goat wouldn’t be cold, and had regular conversations with Eliyahu Hanavi. This is a modest example of what we are looking for. Call Heartscroll headquarters for more information.
Reserve your Place now
On Sunday May 13, the Young Israel of Hillcrest will be having the latest in a series of Sunday morning breakfasts. This time we will be honoring anyone who has been abducted by aliens. If you or any one you know has experienced such an abduction please call the shul office so that you may be appropriately recognized. In the coming months we will, also be honoring people with Type 0 blood, people with American Express cards and the remaining members of the Shirrelles. Hope to see you all there.
If you would like reprints of the list of people who played Sunday morning softball in the years 97, 98 or 99, please call the shul office. Please specify the year and include $2.50 S&H.
Lost Tribe Found
A professor at the University of Bologna, Giovanni Locshincoppia claims that he has found the remains of a lost Jewish tribe along the backwaters -of the Machshtill river, a tributary of El Nino. The people of the tribe, known locally as Los Nebejos (possibly a corruption of the Nebechs), make no claim that they are Jews, nor do they have any working knowledge of normative Judaism. They do, however, have many customs which seem to have their roots in Judaism. Like many groups of "crypto-Jews", the women light candles on Friday night and they do not eat pork. In addition, the Nebajos eat pizza on Thursday night, and have a ritual snack of wine and herring on Saturday morning. But perhaps most revealing is that the men of the tribe fall asleep at the dinner table on Friday night and the women wear ornate coats of animal fur well into the spring season. Prof. LOcshincoppia , who spent the better part of several lifetimes studying Los Nebajos, said that although genetic testing did not show the presence of the "Kohen gene" many of the tribe had Levis jeans. There is good evidence", he said, "that this group came here many years ago on papyrus rafts from the shores of Czechoslovakia, fleeing from runaway yeshiva tuitions
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